


I Want to Believe

by Books in the Blood (WholockHobbit88)



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Demons, Episode: s03e04 The Demonic Goatman's Bridge, Gen, Ghosts, I identify with Shane's inner dialog tbh, POV First Person, Personal Introspection, Shane cant believe in ghosts, Shane cant think about the demons, Supernatural Elements, because he's lost in Ryan, but he can believe in Ryan, deep thoughts, hints of Shyan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 07:19:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13071900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WholockHobbit88/pseuds/Books%20in%20the%20Blood
Summary: "Sometimes when I look at you I desperately wish I could be you. Of course, I’d never tell you or anyone else that. It sounds gay as hell and I can see in my mind’s eye your face blushing ten shades of red at those words. It wouldn’t accomplish anything and no amount of words could possibly help me explain to you what I mean. "On Goatman's bridge Shane has a lot to think about regarding ghosts and Ryan.





	I Want to Believe

Sometimes when I look at you I desperately wish I could be you. Of course, I'd never tell you or anyone else that. It sounds gay as hell and I can see in my mind's eye your face blushing ten shades of red at those words. It wouldn't accomplish anything and no amount of words could possibly help me explain to you what I mean.

I envy you…..I want to be you because I want to believe in ghosts, in demons, in ANYTHING the way that you believe in them. When I see your excitement and the childlike belief in things that you have I feel an ache in my cold, dark, tin heart.

I want to believe in it like you do but I don't…I know you think that I'm dismissing it all on purpose. When I make a joke about the way a supposed 'voice' sounds on the spirit box or about your supposed orb being a mote of dust floating through the air, I'm not doing it to try to make you not believe in it. Trust me…..if it were there I WOULD admit it. But it's not…..nothing would give me greater joy deep down than being able to admit that for once I truly believe in what you do. I joke about it because that's the only way to cover up how disappointed I am that it isn't there. Every time we go out to investigate ghosts or demons or some other entity, you can't possibly know how desperately I am hoping it's REAL…..but it's not. It's never real and once again something as stupid as a ghost has let me down.

I do think aliens could be real. I know that surprised you the first time I told you but I'm being truthful. Aliens COULD exist. That might sound ridiculous to some people; often these same people are the ones who buy into organized religion. But there is scientific evidence that aliens could exist. And I know you would say "But there's scientific evidence that ghosts are real!" I smile a little to myself to see the burst of excitement in in your eyes, the way your face lights up when you go to argue with me about all of the millions of things you're passionate about. Sorry, Ryan…..there is NO scientific evidence ghosts are real. There is plenty of CIRCUMSTANIAL evidence of ghost but that's not science. Trust me….if there was even a little tiny bit of scientific evidence that ghosts are real I would know because I've studied it, looked for it, searched for it more than even you. And believe me…..it isn't there…

I've always been this skeptical, for as long as I can remember. That's not to say that I've always been miserable or something; I was just a serious child. I was just always more apt to ask 'why?' about anything an adult told me, mostly because they were trying to get me to believe in the tooth fairy or the Easter bunny which even then I thought was frankly ridiculous. I mean, really? You expect me to believe a minuscule lady with wings flies into my room at night and steals my old teeth from under my pillow while I sleep or that a giant rabbit travels all over the world to deliver chocolate to bratty little kids? Come on…..even at seven years old I know that shit is fake. But of course, my classmates were exactly like YOU. When I tried to tell them that it was their parents and not Santa that bought all their presents and drank the milk they set out, suddenly I'm the asshole. I would feel vindicated for a minute when I saw the crushing expressions their faces, not because I wanted to crush their dreams but because I knew I was RIGHT. And I was right…I'm still right. But after the initial flush of pleasure washed over me at knowing I was smarter than everyone else, I always felt a little bad. I didn't know what it was then but I do now. It's this; I know I'm right in what I believe but really I don't want to be right. I know there are all these things that people believe in that aren't real and I am 100% correct but I don't want to be. It was there when I would see the pure joy on my friends' faces when they talked about Santa Clause and I see on it your face now when you talk about ghosts or search for meaning in the voices on the audio recorder; I WANT to believe. If there was anything on this earth or beyond that could make me look like you look when we're out investigating ghosts I would sell my soul to it in an instant…assuming, of course, that souls are real.

I know you're scared to death when we're out on these locations; I know you're not faking it. You are genuinely scared to death that a ghost is going to touch you, whisper in your ear or fuck knows what else…maybe it sounds weird that I envy that. I know the people who watch our videos probably think I'm the lucky one. While you are running and screaming and almost pissing your pants out of fear of ghosts, I'm leisurely strolling around telling ghosts to go fuck their selves and generally not giving a shit; this is not an act either. I DON'T care because I know nothing's going to stop me. But I am so fucking jealous of you…

I'm jealous because while I'm totally 'chill' you are FEELING something. Chill is just another way of saying empty…and that's what I am. I don't want to be a skeptic. I have honestly tried to be a believer of something so many times. I've sat in church desperately wanting to feel even the glance of a need to pray or lift up my hands. I've sat in meditation for endless hours looking for the meaning of life in my own self and felt…..nothing. In a burst of desperation I even participated in a Satanic ritual; I didn't want Satan to be real but I knew it if he WAS that had to mean other things were real….And I felt nothing.

Nothing…..nothing…

No matter where I went to look for meaning there was absolutely nothing looking back at me. Was that because there was something wrong with me? I'd like to say yes…I'd love for me to be the problem. And maybe it should be….other people believe, don't they? There are scores of people who believe in ghosts and God and the Devil and even lizard people running the Illuminate….. true atheists are rare. And I'm not a true atheist…..an Atheist is one who knows God does not exist and is content with that declaration.

I am NOT…..I am SURE and I am sure as hell not CONTENT….

Nothing has ever made me feel the way you feel about so many things and that makes me feel so…..so…

I want say mad but that's not true. Mad is the male cover for all emotions…or lack thereof. I'm not mad at you because you believe and I don't….I'm just empty.

I don't think you have any idea how much I watch you and I know you don't know how much I admire you. I admire you for being pure and innocent enough to believe something without beating it to death with logic like I do. I admire you for coming to haunted locations even though you are absolutely terrified. I admire you for arguing with me even though I'm a total ass about it all….

I watch you when you listen to the audio recordings and pick out of the mess a word or phrase; you're so hopeful and I hate myself for cutting it down as simply as the wind but that's what it sounds like to me. It doesn't sound like voices no matter how many times you play it…..

I watch you as you go into a haunted location for a few minutes alone, utterly petrified. I say some confident, asshole remark to act like I don't believe it (which I don't) but really I DO want to make you feel better about the whole thing. I know I act like an ass but I really hope you feel like a ghost isn't going to attack you. If they were real there is no way in HELL I would let them.

Everyone knows…our coworkers, our friends, our fans…..they all know. You're the angel…..the innocent one that needs to be protected. I'm the 'demon' even though I don't believe in demons….they think I'm with demons and that's why I totally don't give a shit. If their thinking I'm a demon is because I don't feel anything around 'ghosts' that's okay. If their thinking I'm a demon means they think you're an angel that's okay because…..YOU…..ARE…..

I don't believe in anything but I know I do believe in YOU. Thank God you don't know what I am thinking because I think I would die if you did. Maybe that would be better…

As we sit, inches apart as candles flicker light across your face, a feeble circle of salt around us, I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of the imaginary goat man or demon that claims to hold this spot. I'm afraid of how I feel…..and how I DON'T feel.

I know as we're sitting here, you are totally intent on listening and watching for a hint of the demon that haunts this bridge. At first, all I'm thinking of how my ass hurts sitting on this bridge and how hungry I am. I'm thinking about how I'm cold and I can't wait to get to the hotel and share a drink with you because I know I'll feel something warm and delightful that I'm not totally sure has to do with the alcohol but I know definitely has to do with the way you laugh when you're tipsy. I'm definitely not thinking of a demon.

But then I look at you…..so intense and full of naked belief….you really think this goat demon is going to show up. And I wish so much in that moment….

For once I don't wish intensely that I could believe…

For once, I just wish I could give you what you're looking for. I look at you and it's like I can hear your heart hammering in your chest and the adrenaline flowing through your blood and I want to die.

Not in a fucking dramatic I'm-depressed-way….I want to die and be proved I'm wrong. I want to die and see that it doesn't all just end like I think it will. I want to die and see something beyond my body being placed in a wooden box in the cold, hard earth. I want to see something beyond the nothingness.

I want to prove myself wrong….

I want to die and come back…

I wish I could die and come back as a ghost to prove me and more importantly, you, wrong.

God…..I'd haunt the HELL out of you, just so you know. And I'd love every second of it.

We wait for what seems like ages but of course nothing happens. There's no demon, no ghost, not even a rabid raccoon to break the silence. Eventually we pack up the Ouija board and the candles and we're walking back to the car when you ask me, "Are you okay? You're kind of quiet"

I know you're genuinely concerned because I can see it reflected back in your eyes and my own silence. I'm not gloating that nothing happened and I know that's why you're asking. You probably think I'm sick or something.

I'm not okay…I finally feel something but it wasn't what I wanted. I finally feel something but it's my heart and chest feeling like they are caving in with pain and fire. And I know there's nothing to fix it; that's the emptiness coming for me like it has so many times.

I can't tell you that…..I can't even begin to explain what I feel or the reasons behind it. I know I'd lose you forever.

So, I say what you expect to hear. I tell you something that is a lie but I know will get you to back off me.

"I'm just so tired…..so tired of spending another night pretending even remotely demons are real. I can't wait to get back to town and make up for all these wasted hours. What a fucking waste of time" I say all this with a fake smile and a wink. You don't know it's fake; you smile at me like its real even though you are hurt I'm making fun we didn't find anything. Get a couple of drinks in you and you'll be having a grand time. I wish it was that easy for me.

It's okay….

Well, not really, but it has to be…..

I don't believe in anything but I believe in you and that's better that it was yesterday.

Maybe just believing in you will be enough.


End file.
